Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
