I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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