Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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