My liver just broke up with me...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
