Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
