So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
