my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
