Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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