Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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