found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she smelled like a LAN party
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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