Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
