There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
