Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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