a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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