I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
