i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
