how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
