anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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