I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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