I think I am morally bankrupt
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Boobs speak an international language.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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