I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
