At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
