come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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