In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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