her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
