Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
