I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
