were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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