I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
