Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
