the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
