Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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