Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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