We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
