And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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