the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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