is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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