I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
