Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
