my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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