i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
