New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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