you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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