i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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