You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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