Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
