ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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