I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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