I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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