Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
